Welcome back! Just a couple weeks ago (I already forget, it was soooo long ago), I wrote this super incredible, amazing post ( ahem) about some pretty hilarious album covers that were collected together on a website called pocket-lint.com, under the title ” 55 Of the Worst Album Cover Art of All Time”.

I’m not going to lie. Some of them were pretty wtf-worthy.

I chose to single out one particular album cover from this literal smorgasbord, which if you have clicked on the link above, like a BOSS, you already have feasted your eyes upon, and if you have not yet, you should. I’ll wait.

So, that particular post led me down into a very extremely weird rabbit hole about ventriloquy, which, I admit, was also pretty fascinating. ( Who knew that ventriloquism was originally an ancient religious practice, called gastromancy by the Greeks, because it was believed stomach noises were made by the voices of the dead, who resided there. Yikes.)

There was another one on that website that piqued my interest as well. It was this 1970s-era album:

GARY. Gary was getting down to business, apparently. What business, I found myself wondering? Telephone business? The business of calling people on the telephone? Telemarketing? His wide-leg denim bellbottoms certainly seem to mean business. I mean…look at them! I wasn’t able to zoom into this photo to see what he had tucked down the front waistband of his serious-business bellbottoms, behind his belt buckle, so the item remains a mystery. Much like a lot of this album cover. Perhaps it was a business card! (ba-dum-DUM!)

The placement of the telephone booth, with no apparent wires or connection to anything, in the middle of what looks like a parking lot, gives me the impression that it wasn’t a working phone booth, but was just placed there for the photo, which also makes me wonder, how did it get there? And who had a non-working phone booth just sitting around, waiting to be a prop on someone’s serious-business album cover?

The one-word name–GARY– seems to speak to Gary’s assurance of his imminent pop-star fame, that he would only need a one-name moniker, like Cher. Or Sting. As well does the confident, dare I say, sexy, pose, with shirt partially unbuttoned, that just oozes confidence, despite the utter unremarkableness ( is that a word?) of his countenance.

The back cover photo of this album, which I found on Discogs, shows that the album was released in 1978 on the Sound Shop Label.

The back cover also reveals that Gary himself was the producer– G. Solomon. (His last name was verified on the pocket-lint. com site as well). The album was recorded in Nashville, the album design was by a graphics company called Ross-Martin Graphics out of Brentwood, TN. One of the photographers is named Jim Martin. I assume he was the Martin half of the graphics company who designed this cover.

On the back cover, Gary reveals his smoldering sex appeal while nonchalantly letting the telephone’s receiver hang over his shoulder. His telephone business can’t get in the way of his smoldering business. He doesn’t have time to talk to whomever is on the other end. He has to get down to business! The nature of this business is still vague, but perhaps there are clues in the song titles.

“Little Red Book”. Hmmm. Most sexy bearded dudes of 1978 might have a little black book, filled with hot chicks’ phone numbers. Not Gary. His book is red. RED like hot sauce. Because he’s hot. Or saucy. Note: now I think I know what the item tucked into his pants is–a little red book. Noiyce!

“Turn Around and Make Me Strong.” What? That makes no sense at all. I picture someone turning around–away? towards? it’s so confusing– and it makes him strong? Is ‘strong’ a euphemism for “doggie style”?

“Rock-a-ooh-la-la”. The title alone makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little.

“Slippin Around”. Well, that’s just….creepy. Slipping around? Like, literally in something slippery? JELL-O? Mud? The blood of the hookers Gary just murdered? Or does he mean like, slipping around, as in , sneaking around? Slipping past the jailors of the psychiatric ward where he has been housed? Slipping around the corner after scoring some blow? Slipping around the local strip club? The possibilities are endlessly amusing.

“Got to Get Away”. Yes. Yes, I do.

Poor Gary. I really shouldn’t make fun of him too much, since it’s likely he’s still alive.

In fact, he is now DOCTOR Gary Solomon. That’s right. Also known as The Movie Doctor. He is also an author and has several books about Cinematherapy, which is a form of therapy that involves watching movies. According to the bio, he has lectured all over the world and has made appearances on TV and radio and he also teaches psychology at the College of Southern Nevada, in Henderson, NV. He also has a page dedicated to his album, including the same photos I have above, so he seems proud of it.

It all looked very nice and wonderful, if not a little fruit-cakey, until I clicked on the link marked HOA Syndrome. According to Gary, he believes that HOA Syndrome is a new psychiatric disease that he identified, described as below:

“At the root of HOA Syndrome is intentional, longitudinal and methodical harassment.
Shortly after the individual takes possession of their property, the HOA strategically begins to
focus on the homeowner’s minor, if not non-existent infractions. The purpose for these attacks is
to create an income stream. This income stream makes its way into the pockets of the
management companies, collection agencies and attorneys, none of whom live within the
community that they are harassing.“–Dr Gary Solomon

So, apparently, Homeowner’s Associations are causing psychiatric disorders in people. You can read the entire article here: http://www.hoasyndrome.com/Article__HOASyndrome9_12_10V4.pdf if you really want to get down to business with Gary.